Transitions, Part 3: Transitioning to a Foster Parent

Many people soon begin to feel they need to do MORE to help foster children, or maybe they just become attached to a child and want to help them. Many former foster children dream of the day when they can help make life better for future generations.

Whatever the motivation, becoming a foster parent is a huge step, and not something that should be done on the spur of the moment or without thinking it through and preparing. Becoming a foster parent requires a higher level of commitment, and will require you to be careful of your actions from the time you leave foster care until you become a foster parent.

You will have to ensure that, at a very minimum, you do NOT:

1. Destroy Your Finances - You will need to be living at least comfortably if you want to be approved as a foster parent.

2. Burn Bridges Between Yourself And Positive People In Your Life - You will need people willing to write you letters of recommendation. Letters from teachers/professors, pastors, foster parents, and other pillars of the community, who are positive parts of your life, will carry more weight than just friends living a normal, but less than stellar life.

3. Fill Your Life With Negative People - Yes, the saying is true... You are judged by the company you keep. While everyone has a friend or relative or two with a less than positive lifestyle, you should do your best to avoid filling your list of friends with toxic people, people with severe mental health issues, drug abusers, alcoholics, thieves, etc. Aside from the fact that none of these people should be around your foster children, they could even keep you from getting approved.

4. Refuse To Learn Basic Living Skills - You will need to know how to do many things in order to not only be APPROVED as a foster parent, but to STAY a foster parent. You will need to know how to keep your finances in order, keep your house clean, organize your time, discipline children, cook healthy meals, wash laundry, drive (or at least use your local bus system effectively and safely with a child in tow), stay healthy physically and emotionally (and help your foster children to do the same) and SO much more.

5. Put Yourself In A Position To Be Accused Of Child Neglect Or Abuse - In most cases, even an ACCUSATION of abuse or neglect is enough to keep you from becoming a foster parent. If you have children, do your best to ensure that they are taken well care of (you should be doing this anyways), and that you do not upset anyone enough that they might place false accusations against you. If you do not have children, make sure that any interactions you have with children do not end with an accusation of child abuse or neglect.

Now that you know what NOT to do, let's talk about how you become a foster parent (when you're ready). In most cases, you'll have to be 21 or older, although in some cases you may only need to be 18 (usually when involving kinship placements only). Requirements will vary by your locality, so your best bet is to visit your local child welfare office and ask for information on becoming a foster parent. You can also usually visit their website to get information on the process and sometimes even apply online. Many areas also have private organizations that recruit foster parents, although generally they still go through the state's child welfare office. This may be preferable to dealing with the state directly, though, as many times you'll find these workers more personable and more likely to share information with you than state social workers.

Sharing Your Foster Care Experiences With a Foster Child

While sharing your history with a foster child can help you to bond, many of your stories may be not only inappropriate to share, but can be triggering for the child or even cause you to get in trouble with the agency. If you would like to share your history with a child, it may be a good idea to speak with the agency and find out what their guidelines are as to what they’d like you to keep private, and abide by them. In addition, if you get a child with a history of physical or sexual abuse, it’s a good idea to speak with their counselor (if they have one) or their worker, to ensure that you don’t accidentally trigger them with your experiences.

Of course it’s always appropriate to use your experience to drive the way you parent, such as avoiding poor parenting you were subject to, or using ideas from foster parents that had a positive impact on you. If you are still in contact with a positive former foster parent, it may even be a great idea (with worker approval and the foster parent’s desire to participate) to expose the child to them on a regular or semi-regular basis, the way you might with a grandparent or other extended family.

Come back next week for Transitions, Part 4: Transitioning to a Social Worker or Child Welfare Professional!

Have you made the transition to foster parent? Did you find these guidelines to be accurate? Is there anything else you would add? Let us know in the comments!